page from a notebook

0. the essence of the thing is the thing itself. 1. sense escapes. the thing is left behind. 2. the former expansion of the essence surrounds the thing. 3. the expanded essence is the word. 4. a collision of expanded essences is an affair. 5. affairs are remembered. 6. what is remembered is an affair. 7. the escaped essence leaves the expansion behind, guarding the thing. 8. the thing growls menacingly at the expansion. 9. the escaped essence flies away, laughing. 10. laughter is an affair whose essence has escaped. 11. a thing whose essence has attempted to escape is a laughing matter. 12. but the essence of the thing, which is the thing itself, is no laughing matter. 13. an affair that is no laughing matter is a tough crowd. 14. the essence of the thing is a tough crowd. 15. a crowd with an escaped essence is tough.

reunion in the rain

when you're lost in the rain in a back road in tennessee on christmas eve in nineteen forty-three and you see a light in the trees just up ahead and you wonder if you really wouldn't be better off dead and you push through the broken general store screen door the first thing you see is a leg sticking out on the floor and pappy looks up with a smile in his whiskers white and asks if it ain't just been one hell of a night this young lady here came at me with a knife it was all i could do to snuff out her miserable life excuse me sir while i drag her carcass outdoors as soon as i do my time is entirely yours you know you were here before in another life on the run with sheriff john brown's brand new young wife yes you escaped that time - escaped too well did you really think they forgot you down in hell? your eyes adjust to the smoky dismal scene lit by a single lamp of kerosene there's a knife on the counter, a bible and a magazine you take a step closer - and can't hold back a scream it's her on the cover - so dead yet so alive you left her in laredo in nineteen and thirty-five and her face you've carried since in your shrinking soul like an endlessly burning diamond - or piece of coal the magazine falls from your hand to the sawdust floor a sudden wind blows through the opening door it's over now - you know you're finally beat you hear pappy say, jeff, i've got someone here i'd like you to meet...

road to nowhere, part 1

ted williams ted williams ted williams joe dimaggio joe dimaggio joe dimaggio casey stengel casey stengel casey stengel sparks has got headquarters on the line alexander woolcott alexander woolcott adele rogers st john george jean nathan george jean nathan jack dempsey titanic underworld versailles titanic underworld versailles jewel thief jewel thief monaco nice nice st tropez uncle remus thorstein veblen henry david thoreau uncle remus thorstein veblen henry david thoreau clarence darrow amelia earhart george jean nathan top of the empire state building statue of liberty knute rockne jim thorpe jesse owens joe dimaggio tell headquarters i'll call them back woodrow wilson charles g dawes frances farmer babe ruth babe ruth babe ruth ty cobb ty cobb ty cobb shoeless joe jackson shoeless joe jackson john mcgraw jack johnson amelia earhart w somerset maugham khyber pass good shooting drums in the night noel coward noel coward w somerset maugham ronald firbank nancy mitford louis-ferdinand celine rogers hornsby rogers hornsby rabandrinath tagore i'm afraid i don't know these people they fell in the river and the crocodiles ate them orson welles ted williams orson welles joseph cotten alfred hitchcock dorothy parker dorothy parker dorothy parker billy, i'm shocked, i had no idea you knew so much clemenceau clemenceau charles g dawes they laughed when i sat down at the piano arthur murray taught me dancing in a hurry i love my wife but oh you kid lucky lindy lucky lindy amelia earheart

untitled

i wrote a poem to pass the time
it didn't scan and it didn't rhyme
i had absolutely nothing to say
but i went and wrote it anyway

i thought it turned out kind of nice
i looked it over once or twice
i finished it off and set it free
on wings of immortality

o little poem, boil and bubble
at least you kept me out of trouble
maybe you need a little friend
another poem - will they ever end?

the thing in the place, part 2

for part 1, click here

i had a pleasant surprise on returning to my house after my first visit to the firehouse. my housekeeper, mrs adams, presented me with a package that had been delivered in my absence - a new monograph, with copious notes and addenda, by doctor hargrave on the aboriginal burying grounds in his native dakotas. he and i had long enjoyed a friendly rivalry as to the relative antiquity of the ruins in his part of the world and my own, and i looked forwardly eagerly to studying and passing considered judgment on his newest findings. consequently the three days passed swiftly before the date of my next scheduled visit to hank and the firehouse, and as i spent them almost entirely in my study and did not so much as look out the window, i had sadly neglected the good doctor melville's exhortations to exercise. i decided therefore to walk the three or four miles to the firehouse, rather than summon a hackney as i had on my first visit. and also save a few pennies from my all too rapidly disappearing patrimony. i quickly regretted my decision - the day was much chillier and windier than i had first apprehended - but some unsuspected reservoir of stubbornness welling up from the depths of my being kept me from turning back. when i was about half way to my destination i began to feel light headed, and the landscape - of unremitting fields of some crop or other - agriculture being no part of my field of study - began to take on a sinister and sneering hue not easily described. the midday sky was a loathsome bluish-gray and the crops - tall greenish-purple stalks of who knew what - seemed both to wave mockingly and be frozen in some obdurate obsidian vision of cosmic blasphemy. a single gray cloud hid the sun. butterfly wings of panic tickled my brain. where was i? where? what had possessed me - i , who had hardly ever gone fifty yards from my beloved study - to venture into this terrifying desolation? a desolation undreamed of in my most terrifying nightmares? and yet existing, apparently, only a few miles from the cocoon of my ancestral fortress? you are a waterspoon, i told myself, a waterspoon. the direct descendant of the pitiless pioneers who cleared the land of its savage inhabitants, in order to stamp the impress of civilization on its flat and ungrateful face. it won't do to give in to even the appearance of effete hysteria, it won't do at all. no vehicle had passed me in either direction as i walked the road - a road, i should mention, absolutely straight and uncontoured - nor had i seen a living person, or heard an animal or bird. i began to feel thirsty, and even more lightheaded. i must, i thought, be only a mile from my goal. what could i do but press on. at last - at last! - i saw a figure approaching in the distance. what relief i felt! i should mention here that i was under the impression that the farm dwellers in the neighborhood, though ignorant brutes to be sure, had at least a vestigial remnant of respect for their betters, in contrast to their degenerate cousins in the modern metropolises (with whom i had had only one terrible encounter - never, unfortunately, to be forgotten). as the figure came closer, my blood began to run a little cold. i beheld a shambling, rawboned figure - "human" to be sure - it wore ragged clothing and a battered felt hat - but barely. the craggy face, simultaneously apish and reptilian, seemed to light up with an unholy delight on perceiving me, and i felt nought but panic as it hastened toward me, swinging its long, low-hanging arms. "morning!" it cried. "morning there, professor!" in a voice like ice breaking in a subterranean cavern. "out for a stroll, are you? ha, ha, ha!" and it roared with laughter at this humorous sally. with some effort i mastered my first fear. as the creature came closer i perceived that it was, after all, only a man - a hired man type of fellow of about thirty rough years. and the sobriquet of "professor" with which he greeted me, though not strictly accurate - my studies have always been maintained privately - seemed to indicate a modicum of respect. "hey, professor, hey!" suddenly a thick walking stick seemed to materialize in his right hand and he poked me in the chest with it. as i staggered backward i heard another voice raised in laughter - the shrieking laughter of a banshee. and i perceived on the road behind the man a stunted figure which on rapidly approaching i could see was a pigtailed girl of about fifteen, in a tattered flowered dress, and with a face even more lewdly simian and reptiloid than the man's. "uncle jack asked you a question, professor! ain't you got no manners?" and she howled with laughter as i shrank back from her hideous person. "yes, yes," i managed to stammer, "i am out for a stroll, as you so drolly put it. a stroll into town." i controlled myself, and felt some little rage bubbling up beneath my fear. "no need to be snickety, professor, when folks asks you polite questions." and the man poked me with the stick again, harder this time. "into town, hey?" "yes, to the fire station to be exact. for a friendly game of checkers." "fire station! as worthless a bunch of sons of bitches as ever there was, hey, lily?" my fear began to return. needless to say i was not used to such rough talk as this, and in front of a young woman no less, rough-hewn as she might be. something was amiss. where was i? "you said right, uncle jack. almost as worthless as those no good clowns as call theirselves deputy sheriffs. they friends of yours too, professor?" i now saw the girl had a stick too, and she shook it at me. "i don't have the honor of those gentlemen's acquaintance," i replied with such composure as i could muster. "is that right, professor?" drawled the girl. it had finally gotten through to me that in their mouths "professor" was not a term of respect at all, but intended as some sort of epithet, even insult. "gentlemen, eh? are you a gentleman, professor?" "why of course i am a gentleman." the girl whacked me sharply across my knee with her stick, and i cried out. "lily, lily," laughed the man. "no need for that. he ain't said nothing to deserve that. yet." he looked up at the sky. though it was about mid day, the single dark cloud continued to hide the sun. the wind had died down. "kind of hot, eh?" "yes, it does seem to be getting warmer." "seems to be, seems to be. always the way with the likes of you - seems to be, hey?" i did not know how to answer this. "yes, and i must say i could use a drink of water. though there does not seem - though i don't see any place in sight where i could find one." "oh? look over there." the man pointed across the fields and i saw - surely i would have noticed it before if it had been there - something i can hardly describe. some kind of giant featureless mound rising from the field. but made of what? and was it a building? it had neither doors nor windows. some kind of giant growth from the depths of primordial dreams, like a colossal mushroom ? it seemed too smooth. "what is it?" i managed to ask at last. "well, what do you think it is?" asked the man. "it's the place." "the place?" i replied. "and what is in the place? the girl howled with laughter. "what do you think is in the place? ha, ha, ha! what would be in the place, do you think, but the thing? ha, ha, ha, ha!" and she whacked me with the stick again. this time the man made no objection to her striking me. he looked into my eyes, and his own eyes seemed to change from rhinoceroid gray to cobroid green. "you've been asking questions, professor. but there are those in the place who would like to ask you questions." the two of them fell upon me, flailing at me and driving me into the fields with their sticks. i staggered through the hideous green plants toward the "place" with them laughing and shouting behind me, and as i did i lost all dignity and began sobbing uncontrollably with fear. the horror! the horror!

the penultimate hit, chapter 4: peril

"hi, jerry, it's jake." "yes, jake." "i want to talk to bill." "jake, how did you get through? i just told dorothy not to let you through." "i told her i wanted to talk about something else - not get through to bill." "but now you're telling me you want to talk to bill." "yes." "so you lied." 'yes - i feel it's that important that i lied." "you lied to dorothy - to dorothy, the gatekeeper to bill." "yes - i just admitted it." "jake, that's almost as bad as lying to bill. it's almost as bad as lying to me." "can we cut the crap, jerry, and get this over with. just let me talk to bill, please." "we've just been over all that. tell me what you want to talk to bill about, and i will decide whether he needs to hear it. that's my job. it's what i'm here for. it's what i do. i'm here to serve. let me serve you, jake, and tell me what is so important that you've been wasting my time all morning with it - and then, then i - i , whose job it is to do so, will decide whether bill needs to hear it. am i getting through to you?" "i need to talk to bill. its very important." "jake - " "i'm willing to take the consequences, if any, of failing to go through proper channels." "oh, really? and what about me? what are you going to do for me, if i get fired for not observing proper procedure? eh? eh?'" "i'll buy you a drink." "a drink ? did i hear you say a drink? i am sitting here fifty feet from bill's office and you offered me a drink? what year is this, eh? am i hallucinating here?" "i meant a drink of pure spring water." "oh." "what did you think i meant?" "let's get back on track here. are you, or are you not, going to tell me what you want to talk to bill about?" "i think bill should hear it directly from me." "no." "but the universe is in peril." "the universe is always in peril. that's what it's there for. if it wasn't in peril, it wouldn't be the universe." "i want to talk to bill. something has come up that he should hear about. directly." "jake, this conversation is over." "it shouldn't be." "but it is." "you are making a terrible mistake." " jake, i have had enough of you. do you know what i am going to do when i get off the phone?" "no, what?" "i am going to find the biggest ugliest agent under my command and i am going to tell him to get the biggest ugliest stick he can find and he is going to track you down like a wounded animal and beat you with it." "i really have to talk to bill." "goodbye, jake." jerry clicked off. he picked up a pint bottle of water - the only thing on his desk - unscrewed the cap and took a few thoughtful sips. then he got up, opened the door of his office and went to the reception area outside. dorothy looked up at him. "that was jake . he was lying when he said - " "i know, i listened to the whole conversation." "oh." "i hope you don't mind." "of course not." jerry smiled. "it's what you are here for, isn't it? "i hope you are not really going to have somebody beat jake with a stick." "oh no. i was just kidding - just venting." "violence never solved anything." "i know that. thank you for reminding me." "jake may be lacking in certain desirable qualities, but he shouldn't be beaten with a stick." "point well taken." jerry looked up. "who is this?" a man with a cloth cap shading his face was slouched in a chair along the wall. he looked up when jerry spoke. "jerry, it's roy, roy cohn. you remember me, don't you?" "roy - of course!'" jerry opened the little railing in front of dorothy's desk and held out his hand. "great to see you. what can i do for you?" "i got something real important i think the big guy, the inspector, should hear about." "i see." jerry glanced back at dorothy. "you wouldn't happen to be in touch with that rascal jake mccarthy, would you?" "jake mccarthy? no, no i don't have nothing to do with that rat. i wouldn't walk across the street to pour a glass of water on him - if he was - if he was - something- i can't remember." "that's o k." "i don't remember everything. i'm not what i used to be." "who among us is?" "yeah." "do you remember what you wanted to talk to bill about?" "sure. that's what i'm here for." "would you mind telling me first what you want to see him about?" jerry smiled. "that's what i'm here for." "no, no, i don't mind. i may not be one hundred percent, but i know how the game is played." "well, that's great. i'm glad somebody does." "it's about brock, sergeant brock. you remember the brock case, don't you?" "um - maybe you can refresh my memory. but we don't have to stand out here, come on into my office." jerry stepped back and motioned roy through the opening in the railing. "is there something we can get you? dorothy could get you something or have somebody get you something. something? anything?" "anything, huh? how about a burger? or even better, a roast beef sandwich with horseradish?" "uh - those things might present a challenge, even for us." "i can get you some water," said dorothy, " or an orange or some grapes. how about yogurt - we have strawberry, blueberry, boysenberry - " "strawberry is good. i'm a strawberry guy." "that's settled then - we'll get you some strawberry yogurt and some water. come on in." jerry closed the door behind him and motioned roy to the one chair in front of his desk. "jeez, i'm glad you could see me. what i am about to tell you was going to blow a hole in my gasket - or my brain." jerry sat down behind his desk. "well, blow roy, blow."

i'll sleep when i get even, chapter 1

‎‎"let's get this lead out of your guts first - then we'll decide what to do about al. ain't that right, doc? " jenny turned her blonde head away, so that she wouldn't be blowing smoke right into dave's blasted body. she formed two perfectly round smoke rings which drifted across doc wilson's little office and into his front parlor, and fixed the doctor with her cold green eyes. but he ignored her and kept on probing dave's stomach. "kind of flabby aren't you, dave? i thought you desperadoes kept in a little better shape." he looked up quickly at dave. "just kidding." "i don't get it, doc. i just don't get it. me and al - we were partners for years - since we were kids. why would he just turn on me all of a sudden, just like that?" "hold still. don't excite yourself. still - still - perfectly still. well, there are usually one of two reasons or both. the first of course is money." "but the deal was a bust. there wasn't any money. we were just trying to get away." "take a breath. hold it. all right. maybe he was mad about the deal not going down. maybe he blamed you." "nah. it wasn't my fault." "was it his? maybe he figured you'd get mad so he got his lick in first." "it wasn't anybody's fault. it was just bad luck." "there. i think i got it all." "you think?" jenny interrupted. "did you get it all or didn't you?" the doctor gave her an annoyed glance. "i got it all." "then why did you say 'i think'?" "it was just a manner of speaking. hold this on the wound," he told dave, " while i unwind this bandage." he took a long roll of white bandage out of a drawer under the table dave was sitting on. he began to wind it around dave's body below the gunshot wound just below his heart. "as i was saying before i was so politely interrupted, there are two reasons for even the tightest partnerships to break up. money of course - " the doc looked over at jenny. "and dames." "why you cheap gin-soaked back alley butcher, how dare you insult me -" "easy baby, easy." dave laughed. "doc, consider the specific situation. jenny is here, ain't she? she's not with al. and she brought me here. she dragged my bleeding carcass away with her brute strength -" he grabbed her arm and squeezed her bicep - "strong, ain't she?" "i'm strong for you. baby." "very touching," doc observed. "of course, what could i have been thinking? here, let go." he slapped a pad right right over the bullet hole as dave flinched, then continued winding the bandage above it. "all set. now, you just have to rest up." "can i light up a smoke now?" "sure, why not?" dave fished in his pockets. "looks like i lost my smokes in all the fracas." "you can have one of mine," jenny told him. "they got filters. doc, can i bother you for a smoke?" "i smoke cigars. parodis. you want one?" "i guess they will have to do. thanks." "hold on, i'll go get one." jenny scowled at doc wilson's back as he left the room. "can we trust this cheap chiseler?" she asked loud enough for him to hear. "relax, will you? being trusted is doc's stock in trade. he's not going to win the nobel prize for medicine. are you, doc?" dave called after him. "did you hear the way he insulted me?" "he was making a general statement about human females. don't be so sensitive." "i'm a human female, ain't i?" the doctor returned with a red and green pack of parodis he had taken from his jacket hanging in the front hall. he extracted one of the crooked little cigars from the pack and gave it to dave, then lit it for him with a wooden match he struck across the sole of his scuffed brown shoe. "no, if doc was a better doctor he'd be treating four star generals for indigestion at walter reed hospital, not stitching up the likes of us." dave blew some of the vile smoke into the air. "this is awful." "you sure you don't want one of mine?" jenny asked. "jeez, i just might." the doctor cleared his throat. "well, dave, after you've finished - enjoying your smoke, we can settle up and you can be on your way." "what? what are you talking about? we're going to hole up here." dave laughed and waved the parodi in the air. "have you gone out of the hole up business? that's the biggest part of your trade." "what about her?" "i don't know, what about her? haven't you ever holed up two people at once before? why, just last year -" "come on, you know what i'm talking about. i don't trust her. i don't trust her not to shoot me when we both fall asleep. i just have a bad feeling about her." "please. i know we're all under some stress here and harsh words have been spoken, but let's act like adults. and what about your fee?" the doc held up his hand. "dave, there will be no payment. we've known each other for a long time and i hope we can do business again in the future. but i just don't trust this bitch." he leaned forward and in a stage whisper intoned - "are you sure she's not in it with al?" he straightened up. "she can drive, you can walk, those aren't problems. you'll have to go." "but i've got the police of six states after me." "i'm sorry, dave." "this is totally ridiculous." "can you guarantee she won't shoot me or both of us?" "yeah. yeah, i can guarantee it." dave reached behind his back and pulled a pistol from his waistband. jenny laughed. dave quickly checked the safety, released it, and shot jenny in the head. "henry! what's going on down there?" "nothing dear, go back to sleep."